abandoning the idea of reason
by Fancy Piece of Work
Summary: "Do you think together you and I have enough power to fly?" An exploration of Faye's thoughts during that one scene in the episode 'Wake'.


"Do you think together you and I have enough power to fly?"

That's not what she's really wondering but what else is she supposed to say when Melissa is looking at her like that?

(Looking at her like her own heart is breaking and not for Nick but for _Faye_, and it's like she can see right through her and knows what she's doing, what she's _really_ doing and Faye knows Melissa can't take that right now so she lets herself get dragged back down.)

Melissa just lost Nick, her Nick, and Faye just got somebody _back_, even though she doesn't _want_ him back, at all, ever.

She can't tell her best friend that she felt briefly envious of her, that the person she loved is dead and never coming back, because the person Faye loves is here for whoever knows how long and Faye cannot _handle_ that, doesn't know how to handle the thing that was Jake, so she stands on the rail of the wharf and looks down and ponders if she has enough power _on her own_ to fly away, and if she doesn't and goes _splat_ on the rocks below, well then who really cares right?

Because he's back and she's not wicked-witch-Faye anymore, feels like she never was, feels like little-girl-Faye who takes drugs and has sex in public places to impress a boy, not normal-Faye who does those things for _herself_.

She looks down and thinks she can't be _that_ girl again. That girl who was almost put in a Psych Ward because of what a boy did to her, what she let a boy do to her.

So she's off the rails (literally not figuratively, just yet) and Melissa is screaming and looking down her nose, but behind the words is that same fear Faye _feels_, her eyes are panicked and her hands are shaking and Faye feels terrible, because Melissa is one of the reasons Faye can't be that girl again.

Because Melissa would always, always come for Faye, the way Faye would come for her, would fight tooth and nail and daggers and spells to protect her friend. Melissa wouldn't ever, ever let her friend go back to that, and if somehow it happened (because Faye was fucking devious and when she wanted something she sure as hell got it) Melissa would have to come in and drag her best friend out.

Faye can't put Melissa through that again, not after Nick.

"This isn't about you, or Jake. This is a wake for _Nick_, and I loved him."

"Of course you did. And he loved you too." Though she's kind of not-answering and more wishing aloud when she says that.

And Melissa, her best friend, the only person who knows Faye likes she knows herself, sees right through her. Catches her in her thoughts as she kind-of lies (because Nick _did_ love Mel).

"You know me too well."

And while she's smiling it's really not a compliment.

If Melissa was _normal_, was more like Faye herself even, she would have left all those years ago when Faye had swallowed dozens of pills and threw herself from a moving car. Melissa should have left when she found Faye's scars or after the many times she found her crying herself to sleep. Instead she took her to the hospital and then snuck her back out later, instead she slammed the breaks on the car and dragged her back in and she kissed the scars and crawled into bed with her.

If Melissa was normal she wouldn't have gone through any of it so it's kind of her fault, but Melissa _did_ do those things, dragged Faye back into sanity even as she begged to be left there and so she clearly _wasn't_ normal (well she did fall for _Nick _and if that's not a rather large sign of _some_ sort of mental problem she isn't sure what is) and as such Melissa has no right to look at her like that, all all-knowing and all-seeing and for a moment Faye thinks maybe she could push Melissa right off the wharf and then follow her, but then she's being hugged and she's crying when it _should_ be her best friend crying.

But Jake is back, and Faye can't comfort her best friend when she's reduced to not-Faye.

And so she cries.

And Melissa doesn't even mind.

Faye's kind of glad her best friend isn't normal.


End file.
